I'm afraid of the day when my luck runs out.

one.

are you lucky?

although I don't know how to describe "luck", I can still feel it in my life.

A good friend was lovelorn a few days ago, so he went to KTV with him at ten o'clock in the evening to sing to vent his anger. We ordered nearly ten Lin Yoga songs in a row, and he was also present in the summer. He was the lead singer of the band, but he said to me, "listen, singing really depends on emotion."

means that the skill of singing songs related to a lovelorn is better than that of those who are being lovelorn.

our conversation was overheard by that friend, who shouted: "you are a group of very lucky people, how can you understand my sadness?"

I met face to face with the distant summer and dared not say anything more, because the lovelorn is always bigger than the sky. And the other party is a bad-tempered person, can not be annoyed.

but far summer and I never felt lucky. Although he was the lead singer of the band, the band disbanded because of the approaching graduation. I once asked him, "are you going to sing for a living?"

he smiled and said, "you know, if you want to be a singer, you need some kind of qualification." Of course, some people are born with qualifications, while others can be acquired through acquired efforts. And I have thought about it, whether acquired or inborn, I can not get that kind of 'qualification'. "

I said, "you sound a little familiar."

"Haruki Murakami said, but he was talking about a novelist, and I think the singer is the same." Yuanxia scratched his hair with his hands and then asked me, "what about you? can you be a novelist?"

"I don't know. I'm still trying."

then the lovelorn rushed in front of us again and continued to teach us two people who had been "happy with love".

two.

I often envy the people around me and think they are luckier than me.

for example, eel whale, she doesn't read many stories, but she knows how to keep a living character in the reader's heart with a few words.

for example, Zepeng, his brain never seems to get stuck and can write good articles of two thousand words every day. Unlike me, what I write is often the same.

for example, in the distant summer, when I told you, "is it good for me to stay in China?", people dared not object directly, but asked me, "do you think you are Yuanxia?" I thought about it and gave up.

in the final analysis, I am a pessimist, looking at everything will be covered with dust. I met a friend I haven't seen for a long time in Guangzhou last week, and the first thing she said to me was: "Why have you lost weight?"

I smiled and said, "I'm not thin. I'm fat."

she said: "not this thin, I feel that you are more haggard than half a year ago."

later, she took me to eat the most famous raw fried and beef soup at Ximen. When I told her what I had done in the past six months, she advised me, "in fact, life is very short, and there is very little we can do. If you are unhappy about this, give it up as soon as possible."

I sighed and said, "it's no use. I'll do anything like this. I can only adjust myself."

in fact, it has not been easy for her in the past six months. Determined to devote herself to literary creation, she joined a startup team, only to find that it was not as good as she thought, and she could not afford to be paid for three months in a row. Then she decided to resign, but couldn't figure out what job she was looking for. It wasn't until last month that she became an intern in a jewelry company.

the jewelry business has nothing to do with "cultural creativity".

in her words: "I was out of work for half a year, and at first I was sad in the corner for a while, but then I figured it out, and I had to be down-to-earth. Although the current job is very closed, but I think I can learn a lot, that's enough. "

I didn't hide my envy of her and said several words of "congratulations".

but not to congratulate her on finding a new job, but to congratulate her on figuring it out.

because "figured it out" seems to happen at any time, but in fact, it's like a switch that doesn't exist. You don't know which action and when to turn it on. Like me, I can't figure it out, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this article at five o'clock in the morning.

maybe this is the fate of mediocrity. Without the talent that people yearn for, they have no choice but to force themselves to make progress with sadness.

(written in February 4, 2017.4)

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III.

did you know that all the words above were written in the early morning of February 17?

I still remember that when I finished writing "I have to force myself to progress with sadness", I left this article in the cold.

because it is too decadent.

so depressed that I am embarrassed to post in clutter.

and I really couldn't find a point of view that could reverse the decline, so I decided, "forget it, it's a waste of manuscript."

but I accidentally read this article the other day, which made me once again admire the surge of my talents at that time. So I made up my mind to give it an end.

where does this ending come from?

come from the newly made account "Zhang Jingshi".

in fact, in the first half of 17 years, I was really not happy, because I always felt that my writing and storytelling skills had not improved much, and I even felt that I was "going backwards".

so in May, I went to several powerful friends to consult and worry, asking them, "what should I do?"

A friend who has gone to graduate school in the United States scolded me at the dinner table: "you are clearly a storyteller, but you associate annual goals with money."Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? "

I took a breath and gave myself a big squeeze: "Yes, I'm so stupid."

so in June, I announced to you: I'm going to write a new number, which is called "Zhang Jingzhi".

but at that time, a lot of people around me were trying to dissuade me with "it's almost 40W, but you're foolishly re-numbering me."

but all the core authors within the mess unexpectedly supported me.

Zepeng said: "Editor-in-chief, isn't it just the day shift, and it's hard to get you?"

the eel whale said, "I think I prefer what you wrote before."

Yuanxia said, "well, would you like to have dinner and celebrate tonight?"

and Vivi was almost moved to tears by my move on the phone. "I asked you to write more," she said. "there are a lot of readers waiting for you, you know."

I deliberately lowered my voice and pretended to be magnetic and said, "I know."

so I set out again, as I did when I typed the word "disorganized" three years ago.

four.

Don't think I'm leaving chaos, because I know I'm doing this to get closer to my ideal mess.

in my ideal, miscellaneous is a platform on which you can make a sound as long as you are good enough. So it doesn't belong to me, and I shouldn't occupy it.

but I couldn't let it go before, so I always cared about its every move.

as a result, it makes everyone unhappy.

so it was Zhang Thorn that liberated me. It once again made me feel the joy and joy of communicating with readers, and it also made me realize how happy it is for me to create.

so I think I've finally taken another step forward in my life, but this time it doesn't have much to do with the "sad" mentioned at the end of the second part.

is to "let go" and "be yourself" so that my life can get back on track and move on.

I have always been a very expressive person, but I know better than anyone that the era takes most of the credit for being a channel of communication with readers.

We just raised our hands a little higher than the others and held the opportunity tightly in our hands.

but this time, I'm not throwing it all away.

just want to prove once again that as long as the writing is moving enough, you can gain appreciation and recognition.

and did you know that I, who was still posting on Weibo this morning complaining about "Why didn't Wechat open a message area for me?" received a notice shortly after 3 p.m. It read:

"the public platform invites you to use the original protection function, and after the application is approved, you will have four functions: original declaration, appreciation, message and page template."

you see, life also treats us well. Sometimes what we have in mind will come later, but it will always be acquired by us.

like "disorganized", like "thorns", like "the sea of eel whales", like you.

good night.